[Date: Wednesday, 16th August, 2017] [Mood: Rough] [Song: 'Song #3' - Stone Sour]
I woke this morning feeling rougher than sandpaper undies. I slept like shit last night, I grew used to his warm, often slightly sweaty body beside me most nights that he wasn't working. I missed the window to take a sleeping tablet so I was left with very little choice other than to tough it out.
Sadly, I couldn't summon the strength to hold one of my new books (I'm sure my bingo wing arms will thank you, one day James.. but today ain't that day !)
And putting on a movie didn't provide the distraction that I hoped it would.
He was on my mind. Nothing new there. He often is.
I finally managed to snatch a few hours sleep in the wee hours.
I knew today was going to be rough from the moment I opened my eyes.
That familiar heaviness in my chest was back.
I don't know if I've finally run out of endorphins or adrenalin to live off of but here we are.
So, I set myself a bit of a challenge. I said, 'Kid.. I reckon we can not cry in bed today'.
(I often refer to myself as 'Kid' when I'm having a bit of a self chat)
I felt I was on the verge of losing the battle when every single sad song in my playlist decided to come on in succession on the school run this morning.. (for fucks sake, seriously ?!) never have I skipped so many songs so quickly and force of habit was like a gravitational pull back to the sanctuary of my bed.
So I set about flipping the shit out of my day by yep, you guessed it.. 'Self love.'
Christ, we really need to come up with an alternate title that means essentially the same thing. It's gotten to the point where I cringe, even thinking it. It feels so trite.
I wanted to keep the momentum of the past few days going, I wanted to conjure up sunny, sub conscious feelings of optimism and hope with a view to eventually feeling it.
(fake it til you make it !)
I'm not kidding myself, I'm a leading expert on knowing that wobbly days will and do happen, no matter how strong your will may be.
But the main objective was to adjust the focus, alter the coping mechanisms and see if I could power through with a new view. It's okay to not be okay, It's not okay to unpack and live there.
It started off with a cup of green tea, on the couch sitting in the sliver of sun that shone through the windows. Normally, in this dark mood I would be almost angry at the sun for daring to shine when I felt so cloudy inside. Instead, I remembered that he loves the sun.
he often sat in that very same spot, shirt off, laying on the couch, enjoying the warmth through the window.
Rather than feel dark inside, I tried to smile and thought that wherever he is, whatever he's up to... I hope he's got the sun on his skin. (just typing that, I'm blinking furiously, trying not to cry. so far, I'm winning.)
I took myself off for a shower in an attempt to get some relief into these aching muscles. Shit must be serious, I could barely navigate the shower sponge around my body, my arms were crying in protest.
(fuck you, James. Seriously)
Never the less, I persisted with the fancy, expensive soaps once again and lathered the fuck up !
By a bit of fortuitous luck, I remembered a gift card I had in my purse from my birthday for a massage. checking it was still valid, I dragged myself to the shops to redeem it.
I had an oily, blissful half an hour, face down in silence.
He was still on my mind.. but I remembered that when we first started talking and getting to know each other, he said something along the lines of I needed to make more time for myself. (I think that was the day I sent him a text of my feet, mid-pedicure)
So, I took his advice and literally thought of the colour black for 30 minutes. inky, black nothingness.
It helped to switch my mind off and I even felt sleepy and relaxed when it was over.
On the drive home, the sun was warming me through the windows of my car and of course, the one song that always reminds me of him comes on. (Song#3 by stone sour) My finger hovered over the button to skip it.. but I thought, Fuck it.
I cranked that shit up loud, belted it out at the top of my lungs and hosted a really shit, one woman mobile concert at eleventy three billion decibels all the way home because that's what I always did when I was happy.
I thought to myself, I hope he does the same, someday soon. I know he loves that song too.
I'm back in 'his spot' on the couch, typing this out and feeling less heavy in the chest.
And I haven't cried yet, I'd say that's mission accomplished, wouldn't you ?
I'm even considering a walk in the sun. He always used to tell me how much a walk outside could change your mind set. Might give it a crack and see if he's right ? (he was, sometimes)
Random Wednesday Musings:
The one (and probably only) time I've been glad of my rock steady stubbornness is now.(being a hard headed cow has its perks !) I'm relying on it to carry me through this shift in perspective and if sheer stubbornness alone is what fuels my momentum for now, then so be it.
People often say that your mind is your most powerful asset. They also say that you're always much stronger than you think. I've often thought that people are full of shit but I appear to be proving them right. (and we all know how much I love being wrong)
So I begrudgingly admit that they *might* be on to something.
I simply decided that I refused to drown and I'll be fucked if that isn't what's happening right now.
I accept that I probably won't win every single day but trying to, is half the battle won.
Also, I need to ease up on the cheesy empowering/motivational lines. As true as they may be, They don't feel authentic to me. Probably not enough profanity.
I need a way to make the exact same point without sounding quite so stale. (I know ! I'll add more profanity!)
and by no means am I a pom pom waving cheerleader for major life change or any of that wankery.
I'm just an ordinary girl, trying to stay afloat by any means necessary.
One more bullshit line before I go, one I need to tell myself way more often than I currently do..
'There's minimal real estate in your mind. Choose your investments wisely.'
I'm satisfied with my investment for today. Can't help but hope it'll make a return though.
Christ, I'm like a fat dalai lama. break up with ones boyfriend and I'm suddenly shitting wisdom.
Anyone care to tell me why the hell I'm paying a therapist ?
Update: 6:47pm.
While I felt yucky and restless for some of the day, I didn't quite get out for a walk in the sunshine, I went to see James instead. (in my defence, it started to rain)
My mindset was: Keep moving. Keep moving til you can't feel a fucking thing.
It very literally ended up being the case, I spent an hour going harder and faster than yesterday if only to expel that restless energy to the point where my finger tips were numb as well as my shins.
I have strong suspicions that the personal trainer will own my ass in about 30 minutes when I'm due back there. I'm just hoping the outcome is: I'm tired enough to sleep.
I've come home to shower before my next session. Yes. I smell THAT bad.
And if the smell wasn't quite enough, the swamp ass seals the deal. You know, the unholy
pool of sweat that congregates in the crack of your ass when one indulges in excessive movement..(form an orderly queue, fellas !) or when you just exist in general in a northerly wind on a 40 degree day.
A group text to the girlfriends: 'Help ! my car smells bad!'
The general consensus was it wasn't my car that smells bad, so much as me.
Tell me something, Is it like the tree that falls in the forest when no one is around to hear it..
Do you really smell that bad if no one is around to smell it ?
one of the great mysteries of the universe, I suppose.
"My goal is to always come from a place of love. But sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker." - RuPaul.
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