Buckle up, kids ! This could be a long one.
I should probably start at the beginning but truth be told, I'm not sure where that even is.
Today ? or two years ago ?
Today saw me return for a second date with 'James'. (get used to that reference, that's never going to be not funny to me)
I achieved a little more than yesterday and you know something ? I'm a bit proud of myself.
Hell, if you'd even so much as hinted at the idea of me attending the gym last week, I would have asked if you were on crack.
Not only did I attend for a second time today, I even booked a personal training session for tomorrow night. Just to dip my toe in that particular pool to see if it's my thing.
I enquired at the front counter about rates and such and left my details for a trainer to get in touch.
They asked about my objectives.
can we all just take a second to chuckle at that ?
MY. OBJECTIVES.
Oh honey, I'd like to just climb the steps into the joint without feeling winded.
Also, not sweating while I eat would be aces.
And if we've got time,it would be super if shaving my legs in the shower didn't resemble yoga with a side of jelly wrestling. (you're welcome for that visual, by the way)
So on the piece of paper with my contact details, under óbjective' I jotted down 'Would like to run and not die.' That should sum shit up rather nicely.
The reality of the situation is my objective is to stay afloat.
It's no secret that I battle sketchy mental health on the daily.
Christ, the past week alone that I've had would bury a lesser girl. Never mind the 2 years that preceded it.
The fact of the matter is, I'm willing to try anything to stay afloat.
I cannot afford to drown.
So, here we are.
I said to one of my girlfriends just yesterday, I'll die when I run out of options.
loosely translated, there's no giving up when the options are almost limitless.
If that means surviving on endorphins for now, so be it.
This whole Gym/James thing makes me laugh. It was only a few months ago on my tinder profile (I know, I know) that I made my stance on the gym very clear. I believe it read something along the lines of 'Does not attend the gym. Unless the gym has couches and cake.'
I also described myself as 'brainier than Kurt Cobains' ceiling.'I can't have been entirely repulsive, it did land me a boyfriend with a sense of humour as equally broken as mine. (yep, still missing him like crazy)
Today as a whole is just blowing my mind.
On this day last year, I was hurting, really, really hurting. Much like I am now, really. but for entirely different reasons.
I was a year on from losing someone I love. It had been 365 whole days without that person in my life. I was a whole year away from my old life.
The year before, (2015) I lost my favourite person in the whole world. I begged with everything I had in me to go too. I didn't want to be in any sort of world that he wasn't.
At the same time, my relationship of 10 years, came to an end. (shittiest timing ever, or what ?)
The next year that followed was basically an incredibly steep learning curve of re training and man, did I ever learn some hard lessons. Christ, I'm STILL learning, 2 years on.
cancel that. It wasn't a 'learning curve' so much as a fucking baptism by fire.
This time last year, I was bewildered, overwhelmed and still in very much a state of disbelief at how my entire world as I knew it could implode so quickly.
But. I survived.
When the odds were against me, (by the skin of my fucking teeth some days) I prevailed.
Today, makes me chuckle a little at the thought that I'm hurting. really, really hurting for entirely different reasons once again but, I'm also prevailing.
What choice have you got when failure isn't an option ?
(still very much bewildered and overwhelmed a lot of the time) *sigh* The more things change, the more they stay the same, am I right ?
Today, I've reflected on lessons I've learned these past 2 years. These are things I carry with me every single day.
1. Forward is forward, it doesn't matter if it's a centimetre at a time, forward is still forward.
2. The fast track to disappointment is believing that everyone has the same heart that you do.
(this one still regularly bites me in the ass with a good ol' reality check that never hurts any less.)
3. Ain't nobody happy unless I'm happy.
For as long as I can remember, I wasn't a priority. I didn't make myself a priority nor did others. You can imagine how that went down, right ?
(it took some intense therapy to retrain myself to believe that it's okay to put me first ! If you don't, no one else is going to ! and here I am telling you for free. - You're welcome)
4. I can't be responsible for the happiness of others.
(This one kills me. But it's taken me a very long time to learn that I can't save my loved ones from hurt. It took me a long time to learn and only minutes to remember.. Believe me, I would if I could. No amount of trying will ever make it so. Believe me, I've tried,)
Random Tuesday musings:
Something that made me snort with laughter today. This text from one of my closest friends..
The person or persons that decided 'whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. I owe that guy a kick in the dick. For real.
I don't know who it was that decided that I was some sort of superhero or fucking ninja or some shit but boy, did they severely overestimate my capabilities.
Same goes for the dick bag that coined the term 'You were given this life because you're strong enough to handle it.'
(I know you can't see me right now, just know that i'm absolutely giving the finger to THAT guy.)
People often comment about my inner strength. Look, I wont lie, my inner strength could bench press a fucking bus. But ! believe me when I tell you, I get tired. tired to the marrow of my fucking bones, guys. I am certainly not indestructible.
and you know something ? That's okay !
(even if it isn't, I don't fucking care)
I tell myself it's okay to be tired. It's not okay to unpack and live there.
When you feel tired, I sincerely hope you have a crew like mine to carry you through.
I'm blessed to be backed by an army of some incredible people that love me. Flaws and all.
I don't know how they do it but I'm grateful that they do.
Fuck, my mind is a funny thing.
Only days ago, I was open mouthed, snot crying in bed (yes, I know. not my finest half hour)
I couldn't see any sort of hope on the horizon.
I was taking 3 different types of daily medication just to function.
My hands permanently trembled from anxiety. (trying to text was a sheer fucking delight)
Now look at me go, all positive philosophies. (if that's a side effect of the medication, please keep that shit coming !)
I'm down to just 1 daily medication, I only seem to tremble when I'm with James and my heart beat is at 180BPM.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not shitting rainbows and affirmative declarations just yet, but forward is still forward.
You know something ? I've never tried cocaine because I was always lead to believe that it could cause your heart to explode. (and if I could realistically afford a recreational drug habit, don't you think I would have one by now ??)
Guess what ? Being built like a fridge and supremely unfit, motoring along on treadmill like a clown with a chainsaw is chasing you, will yield similar results. You don't need to try cocaine, kids ! now you know. (or a treadmill with your heart rate at 180 BPM for 30 minutes, for that matter)
There was no such opportunity to stew in my stanky sweaty juices today.
(unlike yesterday)
Lord above, I was FUNKY. (Think less James Brown and more, blue cheese mixed with feet mixed with 6 month old road kill)
A sign that I had had a productive afternoon. Productive, yet stinky.
You'll be pleased to know that I've done my research by way of a 3 kilometre bike ride on a stationary bike. The pap smear courtesy of captain hook that I mentioned yesterday ?
I'm pretty confident that it would feel much like riding that stationary bike.
That seat ? This bum ? Lord Jesus, NO.
I rewarded myself with a little self love ritual. (Can I just say, the term 'self love', I can't decide if it's pure porno or pure wankery. **no genitals were touched in the creation of this musing**)
As much as I don't like the term 'self love' I did some nice shit for myself, post date with James.
Like I mentioned yesterday, I changed my bed linen to my coziest set this afternoon on my arrival home and took an ultra long shower, shaved the fuck out of my legs using really expensive soap that was a gift from a customer at work. (wait. was she trying to tell me something ?) Never the less, it was the super fancy kind that I'd never think to buy for myself.
I got home to a parcel on the doorstep. Can I just take a minute to announce how much I fucking LOVE parcels when I arrive home ?
If you online shop as much as me, the contents are often a mystery, adding to the belief that it's like a present to yourself.. from yourself ! Tell me that that's not a win ??
In today's case it was a delivery of books.
The perfect post gym present.
Past Neish sure is a fucking legend, sometimes. She seems to know exactly what I need.
'She's large, in charge. Chunky, yet funky. The bold and beautiful.' - Latrice Royale.
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