It's his birthday today. It doesn't feel right not acknowledging it but it feels intrusive of his space to make contact and gate crash his day.
It's stuff like this that's fucked. There's no etiquette or 'how to' guide to navigate break ups.
In the past it's generally served me well to pretend that the other party have died but that doesn't fit in this instance either..
He deleted me from face book at some point over the weekend, which is his call, I guess.
While it stung for a second, I guess I know where I stand.
I suppose I'll just feel the feelings that have nowhere to go until I don't anymore ?
I mean, what alternative is there ?
I had plans to make a huge fuss despite his protests before everything went slightly sideways but I briefly thought of him this morning instead.
acknowledged the day, the feelings I have that can't really go anywhere and went about my day.
I decided to count my blessings instead, rather than dwell on my losses.
I feel like I'm a million miles away from the girl I was just last Saturday.
Defeated, broken and ready to just give up.
A lot can happen in a week. Especially with a crew like mine.
I think back in my first post (forgive my failing memory) I said something like I hope that everyone is blessed with a rock steady crew to drag them, kicking and screaming through the dark times, violently shoving them towards the light. (I may be slightly paraphrasing, here) Cheering you on to kick life in the dick.
Oh man, am I ever so grateful for mine.
They each bring different elements to the table in terms of personality, attitude, etc. They're so different yet so similar in so many ways.
They're all ham and cheese fucking crazy for starters. (I'm fooling no one here. So am I.)
and they all love me. Without question, without judgement, without any sort of conditions.
Even at my most unlovable.
These are my ride or dies.
These are my 4am folks.
It goes both ways you know, If they need me, I show up. I'm their 4am phone call and I feel beyond blessed to know they're mine.
We often joke amongst ourselves that as soon as gay marriage is legal, We'll just marry each other.
It really boils my piss that society has conditioned us females to believe that we're incomplete without a man.
I don't feel that's even remotely true.
and the notion of having just 1 'soul mate' what a bunch of bullshit.
What man knows you so intrinsically that he can nourish your soul better than your best friends can ?
I guess I'm luckier than most in that regard, 2 of my very best friends happen to be dudes.
But it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if the loves of my life turn out to be my crew.
(I've always believed it was my dog)
I'm proud of us. We have that fierce lady love. The real, supportive, build you up, call you out on your bullshit type love. The love that drives you to being a better version of you because we know all that you're capable of, while still respecting the limits of the needs of each of us individually.
Ain't none of that high school snitchin' here.
And if one of us hates you, we all hate you. That's just how it works. (you can't sit with us)
I've often lamented on loss, abandonment and people vanishing out of my life for a variety of reasons. (I'm not easy to love at the best of times) but a flip in perspective shows me the last ones standing and they deserve my precious mental real estate.
Friends that tell you they love you are so important.
I've never really been one to do that, primarily because up until recently, with friends I used to have, I didn't really feel it.
'Love' isn't a term I just throw around. In fact, I often say that if I love you, I won't have to tell you. You'll just know. But I remind these guys, as often as possible and I owe them the world for being my ride or dies.
Like I said, I feel like I'm a million miles away from last Saturday but I'd still very much be there if it weren't for their help, support and encouragement.
I know from a social media perspective, it probably looks like I'm kicking life's ass and living the dream. (especially if the photos from the weekend are anything to go by.. but more on that later)
The dream is very much in it's infancy.
I made myself go out on the weekend when every fibre of my being was screaming at me to stay home and hibernate. (quietly hoping the phone would ring)
Those friends of mine can damn near talk me into anything.
They talked me straight into attending the longerenong B&S ball. (yep, I'm an Asian redneck from way back)
While my heart hurts, the distraction of everything I love proved invaluable.
Country music, dirt, whiskey, my ariat boots and my akubra.
(and a few hundred new mates with rum.)
I dressed up, showed up and didn't give up. And be fucked if I wasn't brave when I certainly didn't feel it.
My ball dress had some sort of magical powers, I'm convinced if it. I'm devastated that it was destroyed by food dye and have since scoured eBay in search of a replacement.
It came about Friday night, flicking through my limited wardrobe in search of something to wear.
I don't often wear dresses as I don't often have occasions to dress for and no one wears anything expensive to a B&S ball. The idea is to get messy. Very very messy.
Anyway, I flicked across to this inexpensive, snappy little number I purchased 18 months ago, never worn with the tags still on. Never worn because never before would I have ever dreamed of wearing a dress so short.
there was NO bending over in this little get up !
but between the week long self care and the 'no one gives a fuck' attitude of the B&S crowd, I took the little number out for a spin.
I can't even lie, I was strutting around that ball, oozing confidence.
scratch that, it was whiskey. I was oozing whiskey.
(but my point remains the same)
Through group chat, my crew literally talked me into the dress and on to the ball !
(a shout out must go out to the 2 bras I was wearing to enhance my lack of cleavage, the chicken fillet falsies and the scaffolding that was the bridget jones knickers shape wear, without which, the outfit may never have happened.)
I felt super cute for the first time in a long time. (Maybe because I knew they were cheering on my shenanigans from home)
Things very quickly went from this :
To this :
Yeah, that's food dye. (It's a B&S thing, you probably wouldn't understand)
I had a night surrounded by doing the things I love. I needed a violent reminder to keep loving the things I love and this was very much it.
I love random shenanigans. The nights that are remembered in flashes and the flashes that make you smile in nostalgia for a long time to come.
Monday Musings:
Speaking of the ability to be talked into anything.. I might have smashed out a lazy TWENTY ONE KILOMETRES between the bike & treadmill at the gym this morning while waiting for one of the girls to join me.
Not only could I not even dream of doing that last Monday, never in eleventy seven million years would I have ever contemplated going ALONE.
As much as I am a solitary creature a lot of the time, I don't like trying new or unknown things on my own. I often feel dumb.
It occurred to me today that I had visited James several times, completely solo without a second thought. (look at me go, flying out of my comfort zone, faster than a speeding ticket !)
Not only that but I felt completely comfortable in doing so.
Don't ask me how comfortable I'm likely to feel tomorrow. I introduced one of the girls to my trainer, Michael. I was on the treadmill and texted him about an impromptu training session.
I activated beast mode this morning and felt like a fuckin' BOSS..
Tomorrow, I hold grave fears in not being able to wipe my own lady chamber, let alone being able to sit to utilise the facilities. (whilst on this subject, it has come to my attention that my car is painfully, painfully low. The regret I have at selling my SUV is very, very real)
She'll read this: I love you, please don't stop being my friend because my trainer hurt you. it was your idea that I join the gym in the first place.
Haven't you ever been told to be careful what you wish for ?
The Neish I know wouldn't even have a trainer to text ! (in fact, she'd probably mock you mercilessly for being a gym going wanker.)
The changes made in a week are blowing my mind.
After the disaster of the last few weeks, the greatest gift I could have ever given myself was to shift my perspective and believe that come what may, somewhere in there was a lesson that needed learning. That belief is yet to steer me wrong.
The silver lining out of all this could very well be that I lost a love but I gained a new one in myself. He always told me that I was way too hard on myself.
I think he might have been right. I certainly feel a lot better being much kinder to myself.
Who doesn't love kindness ?
It almost never happens so you may as well start with you.
Self care today consisted of: A slow paced ease into my day with a cup of jasmine tea and my breakfast, tucked up on the couch. (I'm loving this new habit) Booking myself an extra training session for the week. An exercise in taking care of myself and moving forward with my goals and ambitions, rather dwelling on things outside my control and the behaviours of other people. An extra long, hot, shower taking extra time and care in my grooming regime while singing along at the top of my lungs and over dosing on water.
Haven't you ever been told to be careful what you wish for ?
The Neish I know wouldn't even have a trainer to text ! (in fact, she'd probably mock you mercilessly for being a gym going wanker.)
The changes made in a week are blowing my mind.
After the disaster of the last few weeks, the greatest gift I could have ever given myself was to shift my perspective and believe that come what may, somewhere in there was a lesson that needed learning. That belief is yet to steer me wrong.
The silver lining out of all this could very well be that I lost a love but I gained a new one in myself. He always told me that I was way too hard on myself.
I think he might have been right. I certainly feel a lot better being much kinder to myself.
Who doesn't love kindness ?
It almost never happens so you may as well start with you.
Self care today consisted of: A slow paced ease into my day with a cup of jasmine tea and my breakfast, tucked up on the couch. (I'm loving this new habit) Booking myself an extra training session for the week. An exercise in taking care of myself and moving forward with my goals and ambitions, rather dwelling on things outside my control and the behaviours of other people. An extra long, hot, shower taking extra time and care in my grooming regime while singing along at the top of my lungs and over dosing on water.
Another little something to carry with me on the daily: ''If you can't see my worth, motherfucker, you should've gone to spec savers." Be damned if i'll stand here and highlight to you, what ought to be as plain as the nose on your face.
I can explain it to you, I can't force you to understand. If you don't understand, you musn't be on my team. If you're not on my team.. Bitch, bye.
"Know your worth. Then add tax." - Random internet meme.
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